


You Made Me Forget

by MadhouseVagabond



Series: AH Oneshots [8]
Category: Achievement Hunter
Genre: Dealing with Emotions, Depression, Flashback, Gen, Jeremwood fluff, M/M, Mask, Poor Ryan, Sadness, Some Fluff, jeremwood, self-hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-02
Updated: 2017-02-02
Packaged: 2018-09-21 16:14:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9556769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadhouseVagabond/pseuds/MadhouseVagabond
Summary: Ryan is depressed and dealing with his inner demons, so Jeremy steps in to help.A one shot prompt I wrote for DmitriMolotov using this picture as a reference: https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/212804574413717504/271264033431224321/16113886_980175835451586_3587255700386644847_n.png





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DmitriMolotov](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DmitriMolotov/gifts).



> I apologize in advance for any broken feels.

One Year Ago

 

The rain beat heavily against the window, lightning flashing by every few seconds, illuminating the dark July night sky. A flash went off lighting the room and the man by the window hunched over in a chair, gazing out at the city. A city that feared him. The booming thunder covered up the sobs of the man as he held a mask in his lap, gazing at it with both affection and hatred. Tears fell from the man's crystal blue eyes and splashed on the mask, a small pool building up. He had purposely waited till night to allow himself to feel, having flipped the emotional switch off that morning before the Crew's heist. It's what the man did to survive. He shut himself down till he couldn't feel anything and then after the dirty work was done he'd slowly let him come back to himself.

The heist had been a success, the bank now empty and the Crew's pockets now full. No one had been mortally wounded, Jeremy receiving slight grazes from where bullets had barely missed him, Gavin tripping as they'd made their escape and banging his knee. Overall the day had a rare 100% success rate, something the Crew seldom had. So why didn't the man feel good about it? He sniffled and then stiffened as a soft noise came from the bed. He nervously looked over to see that Jeremy had rolled over, his silent snores resuming. The man checked the clock on his bedside table and noted the allotted time for feeling was up. Slowly he stood and looked out at the city again, lightning illuminating his penthouse room. He gazed down at his mask, a thing that had quickly become a symbol of death in the city, and saw that the tears he'd cried had run down the face, giving the mask the appearance that the Vagabond was also crying. Snorting to himself the man hung the mask up on the back of the bedroom door and slowly crawled into bed, careful not to disturb his lover. He smiled as Jeremy whimpered in his sleep and rolled over, wrapping his arms around him and smiling with a small contented sigh. The man smiled down at Jeremy and felt a pang of regret that the lad had lived the life he did, that he was now bedded with the most dangerous killer in the whole state.

The man sighed and tried to sleep, shaking his head as the voices of doubt entered his mind again, now familiar voices he'd heard one too many times. Silently he spoke one phrase over and over, trying the make the feelings of self hate and regret go away.

"My name is Ryan Haywood. My name is Ryan Haywood."

This went on for several weeks, Ryan's insomnia becoming a real pain in the ass. One night he sat at the window, reflecting on the things he'd done that day. He didn't have the luxury of a storm to hide his sobs so he did his best to keep them silent as best he could. Looking down at the mask he was filled with anger and hate.

"It's all your fault! You could've just walked away, but no. You and your fucking bloodlust just had to fuck everything up!" he cried softly as the tears fell.

"Ryan?" Ryan froze in fear at the voice behind him, his mouth dry. Jeremy was sitting up, wondering why his boyfriend wasn't in bed with him.

"Are you okay?" he asked gently. Ryan's shoulders shook as he quickly nodded.

"I'm fine Jeremy just can't sleep. Go back to sleep," he croaked out. There was a rustling behind him and he knew the lad was getting up.

_Fuck you! Now he's worried about you. This is all your damn fault! If you'd just keep your damn emotions in check this wouldn't have happened! Jeremy's got enough on his plate without having to worry about you!_ his inner voice said as he shrunk down into the chair as Jeremy approached.

"Hey, hey buddy what's wrong?" he asked concerned as he squatted down next to Ryan. He saw the streaks on the older man's cheeks and reached out to wipe the tears away.

"Don't! Please," Ryan said desperately. Jeremy paused and looked at Ryan, worry all over his face.

"Ryan what's wrong? Tell me babe please!" he urged. Ryan shook his head.

"James Ryan Haywood! Tell me what the fuck is wrong this instant! You're scaring me," Jeremy said, using Ryan's full name, a thing he never did unless Ryan was in deep shit trouble or he was scared. Ryan whipped his head to face Jeremy, instantly wanting to protect and comfort the smaller man. His eyes brimmed with new tears and he sobbed.

"I can't do it anymore Jeremy. I can't handle it all," he cried as the tears fell. Jeremy looked shocked and pulled Ryan in for a soothing hug, rubbing the back of Ryan's head calmingly and rubbing the man's back.

"Hey, you're okay. Don't worry I've got you!" he said softly, tears coming to his own eyes.

"That's just the thing Jer, I'm not fine! I'm as far from fine as you can get," Ryan sniffled. Jeremy pulled away and looked into Ryan's eyes.

"Tell me," he said. Ryan was hesitant, but Jeremy smiled and nodded that it was okay and Ryan sighed with relief.

"I can't take being two different people Jeremy. The Vagabond and me. I hate it! I hate everything about me!" he cried frustrated. Jeremy looked pained and shook his head.

"Don't say that! You do not hate yourself! You are a kind and wonderful human being and I'm the luckiest man alive to be with you!" he said and hugged Ryan again.

"I can't Jeremy. I can't love or forgive myself for everything I've done! There's too much red to my name, too much blood on my hands," Ryan sobbed. Jeremy rocked the two of them, Ryan not sure when they ended up sitting on the floor but that's where they were.

"If you can't find it in yourself to love yourself Ryan, then I'll have to love you enough for the both of us!" he said resolutely. Ryan couldn't help the chuckle that escaped from his lips at that.

"Jeremy, I can't. I don't know how. I've been the Vagabond for so long it's like the other part of me, the part that loves candlelit dinners and walks on the beach and cuddling on the couch and stupid cheesy rom-coms, like that part is slowly dying and I can't save him," Ryan explained. Jeremy frowned.

"I didn't know you liked rom-coms," he said and the two laughed slightly, Ryan knowing that Jeremy was trying to make him feel better with his special power of comedy. They hugged again and they Jeremy leaned up and kissed Ryan on his lips, gently and sweetly like he always did. Ryan returned the kiss and the two got lost in their silent embrace.

"If you can't stop hating yourself, which I hope to Christ you will, then maybe I can help you forget," Jeremy said finally pulling away. Ryan felt terrible for putting Jeremy through all this, the lad was so willing to help, even if it meant sacrificing.

"Jeremy, I..." Ryan started.

"I don't want to hear it. Don't tell me you can't because that's bullshit! You're the stronger person I know, and the bravest. You can do anything you set your mind to. So don't tell me you can't, tell me how you can!" Jeremy said firmly. Ryan stared at him for a moment and then sniffled and nodded.

"I'll try," he said. Jeremy smiled.

"Do or do not, there is no try," he said. Ryan laughed and shoved the lad.

"Okay master Yoda, I get it. God I love you!" he said crawling over the sprawled lad and smiling down at him.

"I do have the hair for Yoda don't I?" Jeremy asked, indicating his green dyed hair. The two laughed and shared another kiss, one that lasted longer and had more passion behind it.

"So, let's talk about this you calling me master bit," Jeremy said teasingly and Ryan rolled his eyes.

"Only if it's the master of sleep," he said and picked Jeremy up and laid him on the bed, collapsing next to him. The lad laughed and wrapped Ryan in a hug, snuggling up against the man's muscular bare chest and nuzzling his head agains it.

"I love you Rye-bread!" he said.

"I love you too Jer bear," Ryan smiled and kissed the top of Jeremy's head.

"I love you more," Jeremy teased as his eyes fell shut.

"You want to bet on that?" Ryan asked with a smile as his eyes drooped too.

The two spent several months like that, Jeremy waking up and comforting a depressed and self-hating Ryan until the man stopped having his depressed episodes, Jeremy always the strong ever-willing support for his boyfriend.

 

Now

 

The air was heavy and silent except for the sniffles and sobs from the Crew standing around him. Ryan felt numb to it all, staring at the casket as it lowered into the ground. Geoff sobbed into Jack's shoulder as the big man hugged his boss and best friend in a tight hug, afraid to let him go. Gavin sniffled silently, remembering all the times the two had shared. Michael stood there much like Ryan, but instead of feeling numb he was filled with anger and frustration, clenching and unclenching his fists, wishing for something or someone to beat out his emotions on.

Ryan stood staring at the casket, doing what he always did when he was upset, he internalized it. He shut off his emotional switch, or at least he tried to. No matter how hard he tried to fight it, the overwhelming sense of loss and sorry beat at the gates of his heart, threatening to tear it to shreds. And that's when it happened. He stopped refusing his feeling, stopped shoving everything down deep to burry. He walked to the edge of the hole and gazed down at the wooden box that now held the body of his lover, the sweet, lovable, happy go lucky sniper who'd managed to work his way into all their hearts, but more so into the heart of a killer.

"They say that you can't love someone until you learn to love yourself first. I say that's absolute bullshit! I have never loved myself. But you, oh God! I loved you so much! I loved you so much I forgot what hating myself felt like. Thank you Jeremy, for helping me forget. I love you babe, now and forever, my precious monster truck!" Ryan spoke. At first his words were soft, the others barely able to hear, but slowly they rose in volume until Ryan was screaming the last line. Falling to his knees Ryan sobbed as the realization that Jeremy was gone hit him full force. He threw his head back and faced the sky.

"Jer!" he wailed, a sound much like that of a lonely wolf howling for its pack on a cold night. Ryan's cry broke the heart of everyone present and they all gathered around him, embracing in a giant group hug as they all rocked together. Five men sitting atop a hill overlooking the city that feared them, mourning the loss of their dear friend, rocking and crying together. This had been Jeremy's favorite spot to sit back and look out over the city. Ryan had thought it only appropriate to lay him to rest here. Slowly the others got up and buried the coffin, then just as slowly left. First Gavin then Michael, followed by a sniffling Geoff. Jack stayed with Ryan the longest, a hand on his friends shoulder to show his support. Ryan appreciated it, but eventually even Jack left.

Ryan sat there for another hour, staring at where they'd lain Jeremy. He was all cried out and emotionally drained. Eventually he too stood and slowly started to turn away until his back was to the grave. Walking slowly down the hill and towards where he'd parked his bike, Ryan refused to burry anything deep within him. He would honor Jeremy's memory and wishes and keep his promise. It would be hard and slow going at first, but Ryan was determined to honor the memory of his lover, but learning to forgive himself and maybe, just maybe he'd learn to love himself too.


End file.
